Rapism...(TM)

The Curious Case Of Peter Yu.

Peter Yu is a Chinese national living and (previously) studying at Vassar College in upstate New York. Athletically and academically gifted, Yu was a well above average student who was popular with his college peers and seemed to be enjoying a fulfilling campus life. All that changed back in 2012 when female student and fellow rowing-team member,  Mary Claire Walker, accused Yu of rape. Undoubtedly, rape is not a light matter and although I do not have access to the details of the incident and would never seek to pass judgment from a distance, there are aspects of the case that are disturbing to say the least.

According to the accusation made by Walker, Yu had non-consensual sex with her in his dorm room - taking advantage of her state of inebriation. Walker's story is that....

[she and Yu] consumed alcohol at a team party in February 2012; one of Walker’s friends seems to have thought she was very drunk. After the party ended, Walker accompanied Yu back to his room. They started to have intercourse, but Yu’s roommate entered the room and interrupted them; Walker then said she didn’t want to go any further, and she left.

Yu was subsequently expelled from Vassar by a college tribunal for the alleged rape. Yet, the story is not so simple as it at first might seem.

Walker's accusations were made almost exactly one year to the day that the incident was alleged to have taken place (a significant point which I will address later), which doesn't diminish the possibility of her claims, per se, but it does cast doubt on them. In the intervening period - an entire year - Walker neither made a police report, nor sought any kind of medical exam in the immediate aftermath of the alleged rape. In fact, she seemed to have quite merrily exchanged Facebook messages with Yu, apologizing for her own behaviour (Yu was apparently a virgin and Walker seemed to believe that she had taken advantage of him), and ensuing messages between the two of them were cordial if not downright friendly - Walker even sending a message the following day that she had had a "wonderful time" and later, inviting him to dinner.

Although, the trauma of rape makes these kinds of actions entirely plausible, there is enough ambiguity to cast significant doubt on the accusations. But that isn't even the main problem with the case; the manner in which the accusations were made and the college tribunal's actions in response have left a major question mark over the fairness the treatment of Yu and the clear possibility that his legal and civil rights have been trampled upon. Within days of the accusations, a college tribunal had was convened and  less that two-and-a-half weeks later, Yu had been found guilty and expelled.

According to several reports, and Yu's lawsuit, the Vassar college tribunal had all the trappings of a kangaroo court in which a guilty verdict would be the only outcome regardless of the evidence. The deck was stacked against Yu for several reasons. First and foremost, his accuser was the daughter of a long-time professor at the college and the tribunal consisted entirely of colleagues of his accuser's father despite Yu's requests for a student to be on the judging panel. Yu alleges that the short amount of time between the charges being filed and his tribunal offered him little opportunity to mount a reasonable defense or have legal representation, and furthermore, he alleges that the tribunal did not allow cross-examination of his accuser nor did it give suitable credence to the cordial exchange of e-mails between Walker and himself which would seem to be significant counter-evidence to the accusations.

In light of this, the timing of the accusation has, for some, come under suspicion. Vassar has a statute of limitations of sorts which gives alleged victims one year from the date of any incident to file a complaint. By filing a complaint on the final day that the school permits claims to be made, it is suspected that Walker cleverly avoided a counter-claim that she, in fact, was the sexual predator. Walker's e-mails in which she expressed regret for "taking advantage" of Yu - who was a virgin at the time - when they were both extremely drunk are a testament to this possibility.

With the deck stacked so heavily against Yu, it is no surprise that he was found guilty by the tribunal and subsequently expelled. Yu has since applied to and been rejected by several schools and told not to bother applying by several others. The harm to the man's life has been huge and to make matters worse his lawsuit has recently been dismissed.

Surprisingly - or maybe not - Yu's case has gone largely unnoticed and ignored by Asian-American media and advocates. To me there is more than sufficient cause to view the way Yu has been treated as a major miscarriage of justice. I cannot know if Yu's race - or nationality - played a role in his case, but there are disturbing echoes of racially inflected false rape accusation from the past in which a white woman's mere allegations and a rigged jury has been enough to ensure guilty verdicts for minority men.

The silence of Asian-America is all the more acute given the apparent fearful ambivalence towards Asian men's sexuality of some in the Asian-American Progressive Reactivist Wannabe movement. Seemingly ever-ready to frame any hint of a strong Asian male sexuality as somehow threatening or implicitly unhealthy, Asian-America once again throws the baby out with the bathwater with its inability to offer a nuanced position on issues relating to Asian men's sexuality. Perhaps the intellectual process is unable to get past the fact that Yu's case cannot be framed as part of the black/white narrative that causes Asian advocacy to draw an ontological blank. Regardless, it is disturbing that Asian advocacy and commentators have little to say about Asian men's sexuality unless the sıbject is framed as fundamentally negative or reinforces racial stereotypes of the angry Asian sexual predator.

In the bigger picture, Yu's case is part of a larger problem of campus rape and how colleges are addressing the issues. Schools have been accused of not taking rape allegations with enough seriousness or sensitivity and there is a cultural history of treating rape victims poorly by authorities so in some ways, efforts by colleges to soften the process for victims has merit and may be necessary. The Yu case, however, seems to go far beyond this and there are reasons to suspect that Vassar's tribunal process denied Yu any chance of a reasonable and rightful defense and may have allegedly been biased in favor of a fellow professor's daughter.

Asian Guy VS White Girls

Are Asian Men Under-Valuing Themselves?

I came across this YouTube video and it reinforced my beliefs about the self-talk of Asian dudes......



As you can see, the guy wanted to find out if women - white women in this case - were truly as disinterested or closed to dating an Asian guy as we have all heard they are supposed to be. As you can see, at least enough women showed sufficient interest to provide enough material to make a video!

I understand that a YouTube video is not a scientific study with controls and what not, but it does cast some doubt over some of the ideas that Asian-American men have internalized about themselves. Namely, that we are fated to be losers in romance. Yes, it is true that American culture propagates denigrating beliefs about Asian men, but it is not unusual to hear Asian guys blaming their personal lack of success with the ladies on this fact, when, perhaps, there may be grooming or self-confidence issues which they have overlooked.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that America's cultural dehumanization of Asian men does not have repercussions, I'm merely saying it can become too easy to use that as an excuse to either, not try so hard, or not try at all, before pronouncing defeat. That is an attitude that I think Asian men cannot afford. I think what I'm trying to say is just try and if it doesn't work, then move on and try again

The Unified Voice.

Asian Men And Forging The Asian-American Identity.

I recently read an entry from the AngryAsianMan blog about a charity drive by Asian-American artist (of Taiwanese descent) and entrepreneur named Martin Hsu who produces a selection of art-related goodies for sale at his online store. The charity drive was in support of the victims of typhoon Haiyan. All sales of his signature "Dragon Boy" t-shirt will be donated to the Doctors Without Borders typhoon relief fund - furthermore, total sales of the shirt will be matched by Hsu and also donated to the fund. Offer ended at Thanksgiving, so those who participated are appreciated.

Aside from the kudos for the generous humanitarian effort, one thing has struck me about this Asian disaster and others like it and the responses of Asian-Americans to them. I'm relying solely on perception here, but it seems that regardless of the particular nation that has been struck by a disaster - Japanese or Indonesian tsunamis, the Sichuan earthquake of 2008, and now Haiyan - Asian-Americans respond, for the most part, as though they have a personal "connection" to those who have become victimized.

This is especially obvious if or when such tragedies have been accompanied by gloating racist outbursts on social or other media, as was the case with the 2004 Indonesian tsunami, the Japanese tsunami of 2011, the Sichuan earthquake, and even the Haiyan disaster. In all of these cases, the response of Asian-Americans seemed to suggest a "broadening" of specific ethnic identities and identifications, and a more expansive sense of an "Asian" identity" and identification.

But it is not only in the aftermath of disasters that the "boundaries" of ethnic identification seem to become more permeable. Successful or high profile Asian and Asian-American sportsmen like Manny, Jeremy Lin, Ichiro Suzuki, Yao Ming, and perhaps even Kristi Yamaguchi, have been supported and identified with by all Asian ethnicities in the US who may, perhaps, feel as though they are represented by people who look like them in a mainstream where Asians are typically invisible. As a Filipino, I certainly feel a sense of pride whenever I see Manny in action in the ring, but I also have equal investment in seeing Taiwanese-American Jeremy Lin succeed, hoping that his success will have a trickle down effect on the American psyche and create a shift in attitudes towards all Asians regardless of ethnicity.

To me, this represents a rudimentary notion of an identity - a sense of commonality of aspiration and experience that somehow causes a unity of sorts. What is interesting is that there seems to be little expression of commonality between ethnic groups apart from unity in the face of tragedy (and I include racial violence in this category), during protests against racist cultural depictions, and in support for Asian athletes. To me, this is a different way of saying that there seems to be no unifying culture that knits various Asian-American ethnicities together in the same way that support for an Asian sportsman might. Aside from the unifying force of tragedy, it is pretty much only via athletes that Asians (of all genders and ethnicities) have expressed or had the sense of the notion that, "yes, that represents me".

The same cannot really be said of Asian artists or other cultural figures. Certainly, there have been Asian-American cultural figures whose ideas have galvanized sections of the community (sometimes against each other!), but it seems predominantly through athletes that Asians most exuberantly express a sense of commonality. But most interestingly of all, is that it is Asian male athletes who have most forcefully been the source of this unifying force.

In view of my previous post, in which I outlined the apparent discomfort that some within ouır community have with both an empowered, specified Asian male voice, and the exploration of Asian masculinity and male sexuality, this idea of Asian male athletes being the driving force that seems to unite the community presents us with something of a dilemma; whilst Asian athletes - predominantly male - with displays of masculine prowess in their field of competition, have been the figures around whom Asian-Americans feel empowered to claim as their own regardless of ethnicity, there is an apparent counter-current that views Asian masculinity either with some distaste, or a focus on the Asian male voice as an incomplete inquiry unless it defers to other issues simultaneously.

As I suggested here Asian male sportsmen - just like black sportsmen overcoming segregation in years past - are necessarily on the forefront of the fight to shift cultural attitudes and beliefs about Asian men. Coupled with the fact that Asian male sportsmen have - observably - been the fulcrum around which Asians have rallied to raise their voices in support, and with whom many have identified, this idea that Asian masculinity and male voice are somehow threatening or is an incomplete area of discussion in and of itself, can be viewed as being ultimately a handicap on the empowerment of the entire community. Displays of Asian masculinity unify - this is observably true - so it follows that exploration of the Asian male voice, and its empowerment in its own right, is essential to unifying Asian-America.

The interesting thing is that this unifying phenomenon reinforces the commonality of the "Asian" piece of the Asian-American identity - somewhat different from the usual drive to define our American-ness and highlight the "American" half of the label.

Lifting The Veil

The Impact Of  Stereotypes...

I came across an interesting and funny article written by a Caucasian woman named Sarah Shaw in which she writes about Asian stereotypes that she had been exposed to in the US, and which she bought into. Similar to the experiences of another American woman whom I wrote about, here, when this woman actually got to be around Asian men in an environment where the culture did  not bombard her with denigrating images and beliefs about them, she was suddenly able see that Asian men could be viable partners, and that she could be and was sexually attracted to them. Prior to moving to Seoul, she was convinced that she just wasn't attracted to Asian men and would definitely not be dating them.

This is what she writes.....

While growing up in a homogeneous white town, it was a standard perception that Asian men just weren’t attractive. I’m embarrassed to admit that I once mentioned to an friend, “Asian girls are so attractive, but I don’t find Asian guys attractive at all.” I can’t even believe I would make such a blanket statement about about an entire race of men, but now, I am fully aware that the American media vastly influenced my perception.

This is interesting for a number of reasons. Growing up in a homogeneous white town, the most likely source of her aversion to Asian men would certainly not have been based upon personal acquaintance. Shaw acknowledges that it is most likely media influences that shaped her ideas about Asian men. Sometimes Asian men (and women) are chided for seeming to place an unreasonable significance on how the popular media portrays us, yet  the fact that individuals can form belief systems that they may consider an accurate representation of reality based entirely on what the media says, illustrates its potential to shape attitudes for both positive and negative outcomes. Shaw continues....

In Western pop culture and Hollywood movies, Asian men are often de-sexualized, usually fitting into one of three roles: The asexual math geek or computer nerd; the funny ugly guy with a thick foreign accent that everyone laughs at; the badass ninja, samurai or any other type of martial artist in traditional Asian garb clutching a sword.

There you have it; popular cultural notions can and do act as a surrogate for real-world experience and foster the formation of beliefs in much the same way that real-world experience might. When you factor in conditions like one-sided depictions combined with limited personal exposure to Asians, the effects can evidently be dramatic and people can formulate a worldview and a set of beliefs about a group of people without even coming into contact with them much, if at all.

Having moved to Seoul and apparently freed from the prejudices of American popular culture, Shaw began to find plenty of dating material amongst the men of Korea, but found herself beset by confused disbelief  of friends back home at her decision to date Asian men. Citing a steady stream of stereotypes gleaned from knowledge gained via popular cultural depictions, Shaws friends express incredulity that she could date Asian men.Sadly (but perhaps not surprisingly), Shaw also encountered several Asian-American women who also expressed prejudiced attitudes towards Asian men. Noting the unique affection of Asian gender dynamics, she says.....

I’ve also met several Asian-American women who stereotype Asian men. “Someone’s gotta love the Asian men! I only date white guys,” one of my friends said last year, after I told her about the guy I was dating.

Nice. Shaw finishes with this...

No, I don’t have yellow fever (okay, maybe a little) and I don’t necessarily have a “thing” for Asian men. I’m not attracted to the Korean guys that wear BB cream and carry designer purses, but I do like smooth skin and silky black hair.

I emboldened that last sentence because it highlights something that Asian-American guys never seem to tell themselves - they possess physical qualities, like silky black hair and smooth skin, that many women find attractive. The reason may be that, unlike in Asia, Asian-American guys grow up smothered by societal messages propagated via the media, that tell them they are clownish weaklings and ugly. We talk often about how brainwashed Asian women are by the media, but I think we have to acknowledge that Asian men are brainwashed as well - many of us believe what the media says about us (even though we would deny it). Many Asian men believe that they are disadvantaged because they have either internalized prevailing stereotypes about themselves, or they feel that the sheer weight of culturally normalized prejudice is too massive a hurdle to overcome as an individual.

This latter point is understandable, because profoundly ingrained racial stereotypes are held in place by peer pressure - once an idea sticks, it's "veracity" is upheld by social habit and custom. Forget everything you have heard about the western character being one of individuals not swayed by social conditioning, and too individualistic to be pressured into conformity. That's nonsense. White people do conform, but they just often don't know it, or simply won't admit it. The Shaw article and others like it are a testament to this - once people leave the confining circumstances of their own cultural prejudices, and are away from the peer-pressure of it, they suddenly feel free to actually exercise their individualism and go against the grain of their culture's beliefs.

In another article that illustrates how cultural conditioning holds Asian men back, a Dutch blogger describes how her visit to the Phillipines was something of a shock...

[In the Phillipnes there was] Head-turning when walking by, men extending a friendly hand to me while my male partner was ignored and Filipino’s calling me miss sexy despite the fact that my male partner was right beside me. The weirdest incident happened when a child I would guess to be about 7 years old walked by me and said: hey sexy (by the way, what do you reckon, nature or nurture?)

Nowhere in American culture have I ever seen any Asian men being shown to be so brazenly flirtatious, or brazenly sexual. Even Filipinos in the US don't have that reputation - as far as I know. My take is that this aspect of Filipino culture - and I would guess, the sexuality of men from other Asian cultures - gets lost in translation during the migration process. Of course, being bombarded with denigrating images via the media probably contributes significantly to this process.

So whilst it is true that stereotypes probably do shape many people's attitudes towards Asian men, it is equally probable that Asian men don't help their own situation because they too might down talk themselves. My sense is that it need not take an entire cultural revolution for Asian men to seem more attractive - I think that individuals can make an impact also, probably just by starting to think differently about themselves.

Learning Masculinity.

Becoming A Man

Emasculation of Asian men in American/Western culture is a subject of some - naturally - considerable interest for Asian-American commentators, activists, and writers. Although it is likely that racism and chauvinism form a significant foundation for this phenomenon, no discussion on the subject would be complete without its proper context of general ideas of masculinity and emasculation that exist in society as whole, and which affects the worldview and self-perception of all men, regardless of race.

As I alluded to in a very early post - here - the racial component of cultural depictions of masculinity has evolved over the decades. Present-day stereotypes hold that of the "three main races", Asian men are the least masculine of all the races - less athletic ability, lesser sexual potency, physically weaker, and lacking in other vaguely defined "masculine" attributes. Thus, widely held stereotypes, propagated and reinforced by demeaning media depictions, hold Asian masculinity with contempt. Many Asian-American men complain of a sense of emasculation (understandable under the circumstances), as well as a sense of disconnectedness from America's cultural masculinity. Yet, these ideas of race and masculinity have evolved over the decades - prior to the 1970's Asian men were stereotyped as lustful sex-beasts who used an almost demonic sexual power to seduce white women (the anti-miscegenation nightmare) and so possessed some considerable degree of potency.

It was during the 1970's that this began to change and it isn't unreasonable to surmise that our modern-day cultural emasculation in mainstream culture is a reaction to women and minority empowerment movements of the 1960's. Hence, Asian emasculation - perceived or otherwise - can be seen to be merely one aspect of this cultural sense of emasculation, complicated, perhaps, by race issues and xenophobia, and could even be said to exist as part of mainstream America's (in this case, specifically white America) need to redefine its own masculinity. Because race has always been present in white America's definitions of itself, it is expected that white America's attempts to redefine itself would also follow the dictates of a racial hierarchy.

Cultural emasculation of Asian men seems to exist as a kind of reaction to white masculine confusion resulting from civil rights, black (male) empowerment, women's empowerment. Because black hyper-sexuality emerged alongside black empowerment, emasculating stereotypes of Asian men became a way to regain a sense of relative masculinity, and in more recent years mainstream American culture has appropriated black male sexuality and attributed its qualities to white men (as outlined here). So, even though Asian men have borne the brunt of the backlash against emasculation in late 20th century America, it would behoove us to remember that this is little more than a white male media dominated attempt at damage control of their own emasculation. This is important mainly for the perspective it can offer Asian men - media attacks on our masculinity are part of a context of a general sense of emasculation in the West due to women's and minority empowerment.

In this post I will outline some ideas on how a sense of masculinity can be nurtured through cultivating a culture of personal masculinity. I believe that masculinity is an innate set of behaviours, beliefs, attitudes, forms of expression, that (because they are innate) should emerge largely as a by-product of the biological process of maturing. Additionally, this natural process should find expression, reinforcement, and support, through culture.The latter point is especially pertinent since, as Americans of Asian descent, we live in a culture that does the exact opposite of fostering our natural maturity into masculinity. More accurately, we live in a culture that seeks to retard our masculinity and separate us from our innate masculine qualities, both through demoralizing sexual stereotypes, and a general culture of dehumanization.

Yet, (strange as it sounds) I don't believe that we should even try to compete with the media to present positive alternatives to the demeaning stereotypes about our masculinity young Asian boys are exposed to on a regular basis. The simple reason for this is that our masculinity is innate and the qualities of masculinity can be nurtured without the need to see it happening on the television screen, even though, paradoxically, the media plays a significant role in creating the problem in the first place. So, although there are some who strive to change Asian male self-perceptions through countering negative media stereotypes with more balanced ones - although a noble and worthy pursuit - by itself will not create the kind of shift in the demoralized Asian-American male mentality. Much more is required, because I don't believe that it is even desirable for young Asian boys to learn about masculinity (or there own humanity because emasculation is another form of dehumanization) via the television or film. The Asian-American masculine identity has to exist separate and impervious to a hostile culture.

Why? Because masculinity is an innate biological quality that can only emerge through a process of growth achieved through experience, accomplishment, self-knowledge, education, and courage. Thus, the first step in this process is to disavow Asian men of a (apparently widely held) belief that they need to see positive stereotypes in order to regain a sense of masculinity. We will know that a true shift has taken place when mainstream America sees a movie that demeans Asian men and they are confused because it doesn't resemble any Asian men that they know. This is the power of the individual to affect a shift on a culture-wide level - thousands of individual Asian men changing social attitudes by their personal impact on their immediate environment.

So, how does one find one's masculinity? Again, I think it is a process with no specific goal (except the end result that Asian men define their own cultural identity), and no direct or definite path. Assigning definitive qualities that outline masculinity is thus a pointless exercise - there are as many "masculinities" as there are men. Sure, because masculinity is largely biological, there will be some qualities men will have in common, but what is important is the process by which we realize these qualities and as parents, brothers, uncles, or friends (but especially as fathers), what we can do to help young Asian boys to find their masculine nature is to provide the tools that will enable them to follow this process and learn the things that they need to learn about themselves that will foster a strong sense of their own masculine humanity. This process has three main components; physical, emotional, and intellectual and this process is what I might encourage any sons of mine to undergo.

First of all, boys need to develop strong minds and intellectual prowess, and hence willpower. Secondly, boys need to be able have a full emotional life without allowing themselves to be ruled by their emotions. Thirdly, boys need to feel a sense of physical strength because this gives them a sense of control over their immediate environment or space. Finally, accomplishment and the sense of achievement that goes with it are important measures of progress.

Physical.

Pursue physical strength and activity. Boys need to be constantly physically active - that way they become accustomed to their own physicality and learn to be comfortable with physical competition. Boys learn the potential of their physical prowess and simultaneously learn the connection between strength of mind and physicality. I believe that many Asian men are out of touch with their physicality for various reasons. Culture and upbringing may play a role in this, but the main reason may lie in the fact that Asian boys growing up in the US are discouraged due to exposure to the single-themed message from our host culture that Asian bodies are weak. That is why getting in touch with physicality is vital for Asian boys. Three possible ways that this can be accomplished;

Martial Arts
Asian boys need to learn martial arts. Aside from the obvious advantage of conferring confidence in the practitioner, martial arts are a great way to learn discipline (physical and mental) and the all-important quality of self-esteem. It is an uncomfortable fact of human life that being able to successfully physically defend yourself (or even simply trying) is one of the most empowering feelings one can have. It is why humans are so addicted to violence, and it may partially explain why violent crime is common in high-poverty areas - with few other means for self-esteem to develope, violence becomes the easiest and most readily available method. Being able to fight people off of you (which as an Asian man you will probably have to do) reinforces the sense of control of personal space that is yours and yours alone. Lastly, and almost counter-intuitively, if you know that you have the means to physically defend yourself, then you are better able to stand up for yourself without a violent outcome because your mindset will give you a physical presence that deters physical aggression.

Weights.
Develope a strong and muscular physique. It gives you a great self-image, increases your sense of physicality, and promotes confidence. You don't have to be the strongest guy in the gym - you just have to be strong enough.

Sports.
Goal based physical activity is a great way to become familiar with the feeling of accomplishment and sports participation is one of the ways to do this. It doesn't matter if you are 5 feet nothing, there is still a sport for you where you can expend physical energy in constructive ways. I played rugby and soccer in school, and I learned how my physique could be used advantageously in competition with guys who were taller - very often I came out on top and was always selected for the teams.

Structured physical activity promotes a key mind-body connection, the most important lesson of which is that through physical endurance, mental and physical discipline, an individual can learn self-confidence, determination, and an acquaintance with the competitive spirit that teaches the value of not giving in, letting failures become learning opportunities, and a sense that limitations and obstacles can be overcome or by-passed. It also teaches lessons that enable an individual to lose without losing the sense of self. One of the most positive effects of physicality, is that has such a profound effect on our emotional health. If you feel physically strong, and are comfortable with your body's capacities, then you can only become emotionally stronger. On a deeper level, implicit in competitive physical activity is the necessity of pushing through pain to achieve a goal. Because life is characterized by pain (physical, mental, or emotional) learning how or when to endure it and move past it is possibly one of the most valuable life lessons one can learn.

Emotional/Spiritual.

By nature, this aspect of the human experience is intangible and not easily defined, yet, when people are centered in their spirit or emotions, the results can be as tangible as steel. Because spirituality is most often profoundly intertwined with religious belief (atheism, however, doesn't necessarily dispel the need for transcendent spirituality) it is beyond the scope of this post to expound on specific practices. Common to many (most or even all, perhaps) spiritual practices is the sense of purpose that these practices impart. The idea that an individual has a place in the universe, is valuable to existence, and has a role to play in the unfolding story of humanity, are all spiritual/philosophical propositions and beliefs that are largely attained through transcendental thinking.

For the Asian men of the Americas,this sense of transcendent purpose is a key quality in overcoming inner damage caused by racism. Because American culture actively excludes Asian men from participation in its cultural myths and stories that give America its sense of identity and purpose, developing this inner sense of purpose and value is hugely important. Developing an "inner core" of self-value that cannot be touched by hostile conditioning is the most potent quality any individual can attain.

As important as development of the spirit, is the development of the emotions. It is almost impossible not to notice how much the Asian minority of America is strangled by its own emotionalism. A simple glance at how we respond to racial prejudice from the mainstream is a great illustration of this. Fundamentally, we are always offended by media slights and insensitivities - our emotions are often wounded by America's cultural racism. The problem is that our emotions are our business - if we're upset by something, the only solution is to get over it, that is, check your emotions. The problem with this, is that America's culture of anti-Asian racism has significantly more serious effects on our lives than simply hurting our feelings. So our emotional responses to this kind prejudice cannot be adequately expressing the significance of anti-Asian racism, and this emotionalism can thus be seen to be harmful to our advocacy.

Beyond this, much of our Asian-American culture and Asian commentators displays this same sense of emotionalism. Whether it be a poorly adjusted Asian woman currying mainstream sympathy by emotively demonizing their upbringing and the Asians responsible for it, or a wannabe boheme feeling under-appreciated by the proles, or speaking about hurt feelings, Asian-Americans seem prone to self-advocate via the emotions. As I've already mentioned emotions are not the ideal vehicle upon which to carry forward personal or group advocacy because ultimately your emotions are your own personal business. As men, what is important is that we learn how to not be slaves to emotions and hence emotional thinking. This doesn't mean controlling our emotions (like Spock), it simply means not allowing ourselves to be controlled by our emotions. Adults - that is, those with maturity - have learned that too much emoting is  not conducive to living a meaningful life. For a heavily stereotyped ethnic minority the results of emotionalism - particularly in response to racism - are likely to be quite damaging.

I will only offer one specific piece of advice on how to manage our emotions, and that is to learn how to cultivate a positive emotional frame of mind. Here in Internetland (and in the real world), I see too many Asian guys admitting defeat  before they have even tried. I don't like to hear Asian men whining about how they are at a disadvantage because of stereotypes - for example, the Asian guy who thinks he can't get a date (and won't try) because he "knows" that white/black/Latina women "won't date Asians", and "all the Asian women want white dudes". Please stop. It may sound like a cliche, but the biggest barrier is often the one in your mind. That doesn't mean that there aren't challenges specifically derived from anti-Asian racism, but becoming negative is an implicit acknowledgement of defeat, and a clear indication that we have allowed our emotions to have too much control over our mindset.

I think that developing a positive attitude, starts with a choice, and can subsequently be cultivated. A positive mindset leads to self-belief, a determined attitude and, most significantly, a sense of defiance in the face of mainstream hostility. Too many Asian guys seem to talk themselves into being "losers" by focusing on negatives even when they have so much going for them. Yes, your parents were strict but all of that parental control can also teach you how much you can accomplish with discipline and application - it is up to you to apply that ability to other aspects of your life - start by choosing to be positive. Learning discipline is one of the most important lessons (and in my opinion, one of the most important goals) in life and it is something that is implicitly taught through many Asian cultural and spiritual practices.

Ultimately, cultivating a positive attitude and learning to not be controlled by our emotions, allows for the emotional/psychological state of courage to come to the fore because people are often more afraid of feeling negative feelings than they are of any particular frightening situation.

Intellectual.

This is another set of qualities that are difficult to define and assess. Intellectual empowerment can be thought of as one of the keys that unlocks the doors of prejudice. Anti-Asian racism is supported and propagated by an uncompromising cultural "blitz" of negative reinforcement that includes dehumanizing stereotypes, limited descriptive language (and imagery) that is demeaning in nature, all of which serves to normalize racist behaviour towards Asians in society. Most significantly, for Asians growing up in the US, such a campaign of racial hostility also serves as a means of turning the mind of any young Asian person against itself. Thus, America's cultural hostility teaches some Asians to align their thinking about themselves and their communities with the negative attitudes of the mainstream, creating the phenomenon commonly vaguely referred to as internalized racism.

The challenge, of course, is outlining a path by which we can say that people are "intellectually empowered" and I think the best way to illustrate it is to identify some of the qualities and characteristics that I believe characterize intellectual empowerment.

In my observations of intellectually empowered people, the first thing I notice is that they have a skeptical outlook. To me this means that they don't react to information without first considering the subject from various points of view. For Asian men, cultivating skepticism is vital - most of what is written or said about Asian men is untrue hostility or negatively exaggerated, so being skeptical about what we see and hear mainstream America saying about us is key as it  prevents internalizing negative attitudes about ourselves.

The second thing I notice about intellectually empowered people is that they are independent thinkers. The nature of America's hostility to Asian men means that we have no choice but to be independent thinkers because our skepticism requires that we hold attitudes and opinions that are oppositional to the mainstream - if we are not, or do not, then we have internalized racism. Skepticism should lead to independent thinking, which, in concrete terms for Asian men, means that we stand in opposition to most of what our culture (i.e. American culture)  says about us and, perhaps more importantly, what it says about itself in relation to us. Thus, Asian men are by definition a potential counter-cultural force - our empowerment stands in direct opposition to the beliefs of mainstream America, which requires that we be timid and marginalized.

This segues neatly into the next characteristic of the intellectually empowered; holding unpopular opinions. For an Asian man to feel confident about himself, and to display qualities of leadership, and strength, he must, by definition, hold opinions about himself that are unpopular in the culture of America. Thus, being unafraid to hold, voice, and live by, unpopular opinions is an unavoidable manifestation of intellectual empowerment for Asian men. Furthermore, independent thinking and its love-child, unpopular, against the current, opinions (when done intelligently, and which, almost by, definition Asians must hold if they seek empowerment and racial integrity) are an implicit assertion of individuality - the very thing that mainstream America denies us.

A fundamental requirement for intellectual empowerment is an understanding of your own personal and group histories. All culture is fundamentally an expression of the historical experience - both of groups and the individual. Thus, historical experience is the basis of identity via the vehicle of the culture it informs. This is why societies and cultures - particularly authoritarian ones - do everything to control the historical record; history helps to forge a national identity and social cohesion. Significantly for Asians, the way that news and world events are spun in the media (including cultural portrayals) can be seen as an offshoot of this strategy - reporting on world events and our actions within them are spun to reinforce the national narrative that a society wants to believe about itself, allowing present-day events to fit seamlessly into the manufactured historical narrative.

I could write several posts on this subject, but for the purposes of this post it suffices to say that exclusion of Asian-Americans  is intrinsic to the American national identity narrative, which is a historical narrative that is fundamentally biased against Asia. Thus, for those Asian-Americans seeking intellectual empowerment, overcoming the conditioning of this narrative is an essential step.

Finally, one of the most important aspects of intellectual empowerment is to be able to state your case powerfully and eloquently, and for that the weapon of choice is language, and its deadly ammunition, vocabulary. The biggest fear of oppressors and bullies is an eloquently expressed novel idea - this why concepts about Asian men are limited in American culture to a few demeaning images that are recycled throughout the culture and which are expressed with limited language and concepts. One of the antidotes is eloquence.

Accomplishment.

Pursuing the types of disciplines and practices that I have outlined in the previous paragraphs carries with it an implicit notion of accomplishment and achievement. In pursuit of physical empowerment setting goals and knowing when you achieved them is relatively straight-forward. But when it comes to intellectual and emotional empowerment it is sometimes difficult to realize that you have actually made a shift closer to the place that you want to be.

For me, realization of intellectual and emotional empowerment can be seen if you develop the sense that you can impact your environment even if you are the only person in the world who holds a belief or opinion. What this looks like varies. It could manifest as simply as believing in yourself enough to approach the hottest girl in the room with enough confidence to hold her attention all evening. Or, it could manifest as having the intellectual and emotional self-belief to challenge institutions alone because you discover wrong-doing, even though it could ruin your career. The point is, that emotional empowerment requires that you overcome negative thoughts and feelings that could prevent you from becoming the man you want to be. Intellectual empowerment requires that you approach any idea independently from consensus points of view and find a way of viewing it that we could call being closer to the truth.

And that could be a kind of template for intellectual and emotional accomplishment - having the emotional strength to challenge embedded ideas and offer an alternative way to conceive of them.

Conclusion.

It should be noted that what I have tried to describe here is not "how to be a man", but "tools to help one learn to be a man". The gist of my piece  is that masculinity is learned but - paradoxically - not entirely taught. This means that masculinity emerges through the exercise of the three components of physicality, intellect, and emotion, and thus, it is learned through practice and ultimately self-awareness, which can also be thought of as "personal culture". Masculinity comes as the result of knowing your strengths and pushing the boundaries of your limits in all these areas, and being comfortable with it. This should impart a sense of confidence and self-belief in the strength of our own minds, bodies, and emotions. So in a way, what is happening is that the process of learning about our strengths in all of these areas is itself nurturing masculinity.

On a final note, I make this disclaimer; I am not and do not claim to be a "man-psyche" expert! What I present is a layman's concept of how we might defeat damaging deep-rooted racism and stereotyping through individual endeavour. Neither do I believe that this process need only be possible for our youth - it is never too late. And by no means are the ideas in this essay complete, or even comprehensive, so if readers have ideas to contribute, then feel free to do so.

Moving Past The Interracial Dating Disparity.

Expanding The Narrative Of Asian Male Empowerment.

It might be an understatement to say that the so-called "Interracial-dating/marriage" disparity has been one of the most heavily discussed, argued over, and picked-apart, subjects in all of Asian-America. If I am wrong in that assessment, then at the very least it might be true to say that it is the one Asian-American "issue" that arouses the most interest both within the community and even, perhaps, in mainstream America. Although there are other issues that have, in recent years, become the subject of mainstream discussion (caps on Asians in college admissions, for instance), it is the subject of Asian women not dating Asian men, and specifically choosing white men, that has come to almost define the way that Asians are conceived of in the US. That is, "Asian" stories or issues that make it in the mainstream most often do so through the filter of the feminine Asian voice, and, of course, given credence by the authority of the white male presence of their partners.

Although the common understanding is that there is widespread hostility amongst Asian-American men towards the ubiquitous partnerships of white men and Asian women, I believe that the degree of opposition is exaggerated. Creating conflict around the disparity is a great way to generate the kind of internet drama that fosters increased traffic on blogposts and media articles. As I suggested here any apparent conflict may be largely manufactured by the media and/or an exuberant Asian female half of the IR partnership, eager to claim their dating choices have contributed to world peace. This may be because of the natural tendency in human behaviour to inflate the significance of one's own life choices. Thus, seemingly in the minds of some of those Asian women in these relationships, their choice to date white dudes is some kind of transcendental phenomena, with epic significance for our society in particular and humankind in general. Given this "axiom", there must be opposition because, as we all know, epic shifts in human consciousness are always opposed - just think of Ghandi and MLK!

Yet, sadly, the fact remains that there is a vocal minority - usually on the internet - that approaches the IR disparity with a venom and vulgarity that I think is more detrimental to the cause of Asian male empowerment than it is helpful. Often, amongst these guys, there is an attitude that Asian women marrying white men somehow weakens Asian resolve (or dilutes the blood), and that there has to be some kind of racial purity (in extreme cases) in order for Asians to be empowered. Many of these guys will also banish the idea of finding partners outside of their own race - either because they adhere to some notion of race purity, or because they will tell themselves that non-Asian women just wouldn't be interested in them. To me, these attitudes do more to perpetuate the disempowerment of Asian men than any outmarriage disparity.

The problem here is that there is an implicit notion that Asian women's dating choices are vital to the empowerment of Asian men. Not only is this nonsense, it is also itself disempowering, not to mention (to borrow a popular nineties term) unhealthily co-dependent. By tying Asian male empowerment so tightly into the actions and choices of Asian women, these guys are, effectively, saying that they have no power unless Asian women make choices that empower them. That means that Asian male empowerment is contingent upon the actions of others. I reject this notion. Although ostensibly active and angry, such an approach upon closer scrutiny reveals itself to be passive and far from empowered.

That is not to deny that there do exist some Asian women whose willingness to overlook racism  in the interest of expanding their interracial dating choices assists in the propagation of anti-Asian racism, but even in these cases, it is not essential or perhaps even desireable to want to change these people's attitudes for Asian men to empower themselves. It also doesn't mean that it is wrong to want or expect Asian women to support the empowerment of Asian men, it simply means that any movement to empower Asian men should be solid enough to achieve its goals even when Asian women seem to be actively contributing to the racism that disempowers Asian men.

In addition to this, focusing on IR relationships between Asian women and white men, by its very nature takes focus and energy away from focusing on our own stories and ideas. If you want Asian men's stories to be heard, then you tell Asian men's stories, if you want Asian women and white men's stories to be heard, then you focus on Asian women and white men. In my opinion, the sociological and cultural impact of Asian women and white male relationships is so insignificant that it doesn't even warrant thinking about. I can think of no significant changes in the way that Asians are represented culturally, or conceived of sociologically, that could be said to have resulted from the high out-marriage rates of Asian women. None. It should seem obvious then, that to make it central to the Asian-American dialogue elevates the subject to a level way more  significant than it deserves.

But, some of you may wonder, what about the suggestion that poor media representation and absence of culturally appropriate and inclusive Asian male role-models contributes to the supposed lack of desirability of Asian men and hence the high outmarriage rates of Asian-American women? It is almost certainly true, that these things may hinder the smooth integration of Asian men socially, but the problem doesn't, and won't, get resolved by elevating dialogue on the disparity at the expense of the actual problem of poor cultural representation. Doing this, in fact, further marginalizes the dialogue on America's cultural exclusion of Asian men - which is a subject that is significant in and of itself without bringing the disparity into the equation.

Even more importantly, is that we, as Asian men, have a responsibility to model behaviours, attitudes, and ways of thinking for younger generations of Asian boys. So, are we fulfilling our obligations as role-models by allowing ourselves to be distracted from addressing the structural issues that propagate anti-Asian attitudes and behaviours, which are likely to be significant factors in marginalizing Asian men even from Asian women? I think not. The Asian male voice needs to focus on the specific issues facing us. It is almost impossible to change people unless they want to change - that means if an Asian woman wants to date white men, you won't be able to change her. But it is far easier (though not necessarily easy) to change culture through cultivating and finding expression for your voice. Because people, by and large, follow the dictates of their culture, it is easier to change attitudes and behaviour through changing culture via ideas, as opposed to changing unwilling people to think differently to the cultural mainstream.

And this segues nicely into my next point. One major reason there is a disparity is that some Asian men are simply unwilling to, themselves, consider dating outside of their race. There may be several reasons for this. Naturally, because Asian men are excluded culturally, their smooth social integration may be hindered by the lack of culture-appropriate role-models who set precedents of behaviour that Asian boys can emulate. As I've written many times before, the lack of inclusive cultural representations of Asian men, in tandem with representations that explicitly demean Asians, may contribute to this lack of social confidence that many Asian boys and young Asian men experience (and, no, don't blame Asian parenting - it isn't the job of parents to teach you how to get laid or talk to girls - young men and boys learn how to do those things by hanging around other boys who model how to do those things and dare each other to do those things).

This is what makes it all the more imperative that Asian men become the role-models that American culture denies to young Asian males. Just because it isn't broadcast to the masses, it doesn't mean that our efforts as role-models are negated, and my sense is that one of the best ways for Asian men to not feel oppressed by the hostile culture we live in, is to develop that inner sense of confidence and self-knowledge such that we are bruised but not beaten by the culture of racism. Insisting - as some Asian guys do - that all is lost in life and love because stereotypes have us irretrievably beaten down, is worse than the stereotypes themselves and does little to empower Asian men.

The implication of all of this, is that it is the duty of Asian-American men to be the architects of Asian-American culture. We've tried the feminine approach, and all it has gotten us is a library of non-confrontational feminine voices in the mainstream arena, whose primary concern seems to be the avoidance of causing discomfort in mainstream America by not speaking candidly and directly about the Asian  race experience. We certainly don't have what we could reasonably call an "Asian-American" culture that results from this approach. So, assuming the personal responsibility for role-modeling behaviour and ways of thinking for younger generations, is to begin the process of culture building, and there is no room in this process for the IR discussion and all of the negativity it heaps onto Asian men.

So, the question is, how do we "deal" with the IR disparity? Here are my suggestions in no particular order of importance;

1) Stop focusing on it. By focusing on the phenomenon we are actually supporting the mainstreaming of it at the expense of our own narratives and other more significant Asian-American narratives.

2) Don't let media and cultural stereotypes hold you back. I hear too many Asian guys talking about how they stand absolutely no chance with the opposite sex because the media makes Asian men look bad. While it is true about demeaning stereotypes, it isn't true that they could absolutely prevent Asian men from having fulfilling relationships - that seems like an excuse to me. There are plenty of Asian men who show that this is not the case, and I have personally seem butt-ugly, short, Asian dudes with extremely attractive women.

3) Stop saying and believing that the fact of Asian women dating white men is an implicit reinforcement of negative stereotypes about Asian men. Or more precisely, stop believing that this can or should prevent you from being the entity that you want to be. In the minds of some people, it may be true that these relationships reinforce stereotypes about Asian  men, but so what? You don't even have to overcome or counter these beliefs - just do and be what it is you want to do and be and that's enough.

4) Stop believing that empowering Asian men is somehow dependent on Asian women's dating choices - it isn't. The more we believe that Asian male empowerment is tied into Asian women's choices, the less we will be empowered.

5) Help a brother out! One indication of empowerment is to recognize your experience in the experience of others like you, and to act on the behalf of those others. It is a vague notion that probably requires a blogpost of its own, but for this post all I will say is that at the root of this concept is the idea that you don't allow a brother to stand alone in any situation where you see them being treated disrespectfully - in other words, help to provide the space for your Asian brothers to live out their narratives by re-focusing your frustrations onto real-world situations where we can make observable contributions to empowerment.

6) Don't complain that there are not enough girls to go around and then limit your choices by refusing to date outside of your race. Adaptation is survival. So expand your horizons - difficult I know for those who have experienced racism, but there are enough girls to go around if you stop limiting yourself. I know this is not as easy as it sounds because American culture (and hence society) provides no conception of how to interact with Asians  - except for in demeaning ways - and thus, socialization for Asian men has unique obstacles. But in a way, this is a good thing because you can create your own story about who you are - you just have to develop the willpower and determination to pull it off.

7) Embrace and develop your "outsider" identity because that is what we are. It doesn't matter if you are in a six-figure job, if you are Asian and male, you are still an outsider and that is good because the goal isn't to work your way to the inside, but to understand that there is power being on the outside. Once we recognize and embrace this fact, then we can learn to understand the historical precedents that determine our modern-day experience - and an autonomous Asian-American culture could emerge. And one of the antidotes to IR is more Asian-American male driven culture.

8) And finally, just stop giving a crap about IR. Trust me! I have been in situations around IR couples where my indifference to it has enraged the female half of the equation. For some Asian women who don't date Asian men (not all or perhaps even most), the angry Asian man is an integral part of their identity - that is, their life has that effect on the world. When you remove that Asian male anger, such women are at a loss, and it can be gratifying when you realize that you have destroyed someone's pre-conceptions about you just by being indifferent. In other words, some Asian women need angry Asian men to reinforce their own "I only date white guys" identities - don't be that guy.

This in no way suggests that the IR disparity does not in some ways reflect underlying mainstream prejudices that target Asian men specifically - because I think it is pretty obvious that American culture propagates negative attitudes and behaviours towards Asian men. But my point is that it does not empower Asian men - nor offer good role models for Asian boys - to narrow the focus of the dialogue such that every other aspect and manifestation of gendered anti-Asian racism becomes lost from the narrative.

Asian Parenting.....

....Is It Wicked?

In the wake of  Mother's Day, I thought it would be appropriate to write in praise of Asian parents since most of the time Asian parents are written about as though they are monsters (just like asians in general). It should come as little surprise that even on the subject of Asian parents, mainstream America has its own set of ideas and beliefs that seem to emerge from the peristalsis fed by a diet of ignorance, misinformation, and sometimes even, bad will.

There's little doubt that ideas about Asian parents are a subset of stereotypes about Asian people in general. Of course, it doesn't help that some Asians themselves bottom-feed opportunistically off of the phenomenon, scoring brownie points, perhaps, amongst the mainstream intelligentsia for throwing off the illusory shackles of oppressive Asian cultures. The mainstream, in turn, is grateful that its widely held racial stereotypes are seemingly justifiably absolved of charges of racism because how can a stereotype be racist when it is true?!

Ideas about Asian parents seem to be based on the notion that they are emotionally distant, cold, and extremely harsh. An unhelpful tendency amongst some Asian-Americans (cynical and deliberate or not) to racialize personal choices must contribute to normalizing such stereotypes. For example, Amy Chua's uneducated guesstimation that asserted her personal preference of harsh dragon-lady type mothering as typical of Asian cultures has subsequently been shown to be a puff of magical dragon smoke in light of actual studies showing that claims that her methods are representative of Asian mothers to be false. According to that study, Asian parents are generally more loving and sensitive to the specific needs of their children than any stereotype of an emotionally remote Sheol of Asian humanity would want us to believe.

The ramifications are disturbing for those who thrive off of propagating stereotypes about pervasive Asian emotional handicaps. If Asian parents as a group, generally turn out to be as supportive and emotionally warm with their kids as the white-parenting Gold Standard, then where does that leave all of those commentators who assert that harsh Asian parenting is responsible for the dearth of Asians in positions of authority in industry, or the lack of iconic Asian-American cultural figures, or any other dearth of Asians where it might be expected? As the study suggested, harsh parenting does produce emotionally and socially stunted offspring, but Asian parents apparently aren't particularly harsh as a general rule, so, of course, that puts the ball right back into the court of mainstream attitudes as, perhaps, a significant factor for this state of affairs.

On the subject of cultural "icons", it is probably not entirely accurate to say that we don't have any of Asian descent, but who are the Asians that we can say are iconic in the sense that they are greatly admired or emulated, the appreciation of whom transcends racial and cultural boundaries? Several come to mind off the top of my head; PSY, Manny Pacquiao, and Bruce Lee, to name but three, but few (if any) Americans of Asian descent meet the criteria to be labeled "culturally iconic". It could be persuasively argued that the fact that there are (albeit limited) cultural icons of Asian descent strongly indicates that mainstream prejudices are insignificant.

But my sense is that since Asians growing up in the US, are likely be exposed to racially inflected negative and hostile attitudes and behaviours starting the moment they step foot into the first-grade classroom (or turn on the television) - behaviours that are culturally normalized in politics and the media - there may be pressures not accounted for in this narrative that discourages outspokenness and social confidence. It could be that mainstream America simply doesn't want American icons with Asian faces because they cannot accept that Americans can or should have Asian faces. In any case, it seems to be becoming increasingly unreasonable to blame Asian parenting for Asians not making to the "top" in the numbers one would expect for such a highly educated group.

I think that amongst Asian-Americans there is something of a "grass is greener" syndrome at work when comparing their upbringings with that of their white peers - it is not uncommon to hear Asians assert that white kids are more "well-rounded" and "happier. This may be especially acute for those who may find social integration or interaction to be a challenge - for example, those Asian men who fault the way that their parents raised them as the cause of their lack of success with women. The narrative goes like this; Asian parents are harsh and don't let their kids socialize (the way that white parents do) and so Asians don't get the opportunities to learn how to socialize appropriately, or in the case of Asian men don't learn how to "get good with the chicks". Well, this doesn't appear to be true. As the study shows, Asian parents are usually quite happy to let their kids socialize, so if Asian men are experiencing social awkwardness it has to be a more holistic issue and not just the result of Asian parents teaching awkwardness. It should be said, that Asian kids might also be "happier" and "well-rounded" if they didn't have to deal with pervasive and culturally normalized anti-Asian racism in the school environment.

I do have to say at this point that I laugh at the suggestion that white parents somehow "teach" their kids how to socialize with others their age (or that white kids are "well-rounded"), simply because if you are a thirty-five-plus parent and you know how to interact with early-pubescent kids, then you are probably extremely creepy. It's called the generation gap, and it is a very real phenomenon; once past a certain age, it becomes increasingly difficult to understand how younger generations interact, and you find that you have less and less in common, and less and less to talk about with younger people. This means that almost all parents have little to offer when it comes to the all-important details of socialization amongst their offspring, because that is the nature of human socialization; older generations find it increasingly difficult to relate to younger generations. Certainly, there are core values that parents should teach, and basic manners, but parents have absolutely no way to know how successive generations are interacting with each other, and there is no reason to believe that Asian parents don't teach these core values to their kıds.When it comes to teaching how to "interact with girls" I find it hard to believe that white parents take their sons out and show them how pick up chicks!

No, people learn socialization skills (including interaction with the opposite sex) basically on their own amongst a group of similarly aged and minded people. And this is where the problems arise because in truth,  it is not the Asians who are awkward but America that is awkward with us. Look at it this way; American culture normalizes behaviour towards Asians that is demeaning and dehumanizing. Some of the ways this manifests are through mockery of our racial characteristics (e.g. the "chink-eye"), mockery of "Asian" languages (e.g. "ching-chong"), propagation of stereotypes that promote harassment of Asians, and a culture of normalization of images of sadistic violence towards Asians. So think about how difficult it is to learn culturally appropriate socialization when the culture that you belong to promotes casual racist behaviour towards you.

We know that this is pervasive and normalized because it happens in every strata of American society and across generations - from children in the playground targeting Asian kids with racial slurs and racial mockery, to beloved mainstream celebs doing the same thing on television or in the media, and from common movie images of justified violence against some Asian foe, to justifications of violence against Asian shopkeepers in America's ghettos. Wherever one looks, one can see that mainstream American culture models behaviour that makes it normal to target Asians with demeaning behaviour at best or harassment and violence at worst.

But Asians want to believe that it is we who have the problem of social awkwardness when, in fact, America has a problem of malign social awkwardness with us (just think back to how awkward America was with Jeremy Lin last year and how second-nature and normal it was to post comment about him in racialized stereotyped ways). So, if Asians are somehow finding it difficult to integrate socially, yes, perhaps some of our parents could do with some updates on how to better socialize their kids, but the elephant in the room here is that American culture itself is a major culprit in normalizing behaviour towards Asians that would be considered unsociable and appalling if enacted with any other non-Asian individual or group.

Given that so much of the life experiences of Asian-Americans are determined by skewed mainstream cultural norms, it seems unfair to expect Asian parents to know how deal with this. It would be nice to think that we could turn to our mothers and fathers and they would have a solution to this problem, but that is unrealistic - after all, how would they know how to fix that problem. The truth is that no matter how well-rounded Asian parents raise their children to be, they will always come up against this normalization of racial awkwardness towards them fostered by American culture.

In no way does this discount the experiences of those who have indeed suffered from extremely harsh or abusive parenting - Asians are as prone to this as any group, no more, no less - but even for these people my sense is that it is better to clarify that it is likely that they would come up against mainstream attitudes and behaviours that promote social difficulties for Asians, even if their parents had not been harsh. Having supportive parents doesn't make these problems go away, and there is little reason to believe that having a well-rounded upbringing will make you better able to deal with the casual prejudices that Asians are almost certain to encounter.

Rugged Individuals?

The Fear Driving Racism Against Asian Men.

I came across yet another interesting blog run by an American female ex-pat in South Korea. She has written a series of posts outlining the evolution of her attitudes and beliefs over a period of a year regarding the romantic involvement of Asian men and western women. In a series of four posts she describes how before she moved to Korea she was exposed to the belief that Asian men were just too comical to be considered serious mate material (by herself, her friends, and people in her social networks) and how by the end of the series she has completely reversed this attitude within herself. Along the way she describes her realization that it is a form of white patriarchal racism (although she never actually uses the term racism, that is what it amounts to) that empowers itself by controlling the choices of white (but also, as we all know but many are reluctant to admit, Asian) women by using negative racial stereotypes to discourage western women from involving themselves with Asian men.

This is from the first post in the series, for ease of reading bear in mind that the blogger writes about herself in the 3rd person, and calls herself "INP" (I'm No Picasso) .........

[She]... has just had the crushing realization that her life actually belongs to her, and she can take it and put it wherever on this globe she has a mind to. At the moment, the most prominent option seems to be Korea. ...one resounding question for her about her new plans, other than, "What the hell are you doing?" That question is...."What are you going to do about the men?"........several people in INP's inner circle surprised her in their reactions. INP was not an idiot -- she was aware of the stereotypes surrounding Asian men in American culture. She was probably, if she was completely honest, a holder of one or two in her own mind at times. But INP at no point believed that the mere thought of her in bed with an Asian man should send anyone she knew and called one of her own into fits of hysterical laughter.

In the next couple of paragraphs she goes on to describe how despite self-evidently hyper-masculine Korean men known to her via their celeb status as well-known actors, even this was not sufficient to disavow her personal and internet friends of the idea that dating Asian men was absolutely not a serious option as their preconceived notions always trumped any reality check. She goes on.....

Then INP started to frequent a little place called Dave's ESL Cafe [a website]. As most people end up doing at one point or another in their time preparing to come to Korea to teach English. Suddenly, INP was bombarded with one overarching message. The message was this: Western women do not find Korean men attractive. Korean men do not find Western women attractive. As Western men in Korea are all completely consumed with Korean women (given how unattractive Western women are in comparison), and all that leaves Western women with are girly pansy-assed Korean men (who none of them find attractive, and who, mutually, don't find Western women attractive), then Western women in Korea can expect to spend their year with their sexual congress 'out of session'.

But it gets much better........

INP may have been a lot of things, but stupid definitely wasn't one. It didn't take her long to realize that, oddly enough, all of these posts were coming from Western men. INP tried to find some input from Western women, but there was none to be found. Anytime a Western woman tried to say anything at all on this site, in fact, it seemed she was immediately shouted down for being, oddly enough, 'fat'. Which seemed to be an applicable comment no matter what information the woman had or hadn't provided about herself, and in nearly every situation, no matter what was being discussed.......INP started to feel very worried about her impending time in the ROK. She had read dozens of warnings (from Western men) about how horribly sexist Korean men were. And yet, INP was getting the sinking feeling that the Western men in Korea may not be much better.

On to part two. Writing about her initial contact with western female ex-pats in Korea INP she laments their reinforcement of the negative attitudes towards Korean men......

I was often forced to sit and listen to a monologue-cum-tirade about how sexist Korean men were, how impossible the cultural differences were, how feminine and unattractive and gay Korean men were. I had only been in Korea for a very short time, and I thought it was possible these women had experienced something that I hadn't yet, but I had suspicions that there was something else at play.......As I looked around me, I found it hard to see what the other foreign women saw, on the surface level. Sure, I'd noticed the flower boys. But I had also noticed the other men. I was in Incheon, after all -- an area renowned the country over for its rough-and-tumble locals. As far as I could tell, Incheon seemed to be the source from which the entire Korean mafia issued forth. And that suited me just fine. I wasn't having any trouble at all spotting Korean men who weren't feminine, unattractive or gay.

This is very interesting because negative perceptions of Asian men's attractiveness were maintained even when blatant evidence to the contrary existed. But then INP starts to see the light. Noting that many of these western women were frustrated by the fact that the western men in Korea were only interested in Korean women....

I also looked around at the groups of Western men that surrounded these Western women. I began to put two and two together........I would hear endless echoes of everything I had seen written on Dave's -- how Western men only wanted to date Korean women, how their time there had been entirely sexless and dateless......But fuck sake. Where were the women? I couldn't be the only one in the entire country who would even consider a Korean man. 

Finally, having endured this negativity from western ex-pats, INP decides (in part because no western man would approach her) that she is going to taste the local flavours for herself regardless of what the other ex-pats thought. In part three of the series she describes her first date with a Korean man.....

I will never, as long as I live, forget my first date with a Korean guy. Because of the date? No. Because of the guy? No. Because of the absolute classicness of what ensued when I had the balls to walk into the local foreigner bar with a Korean guy for the first time. And how many realizations I had on that night alone about the nature of what had been confusing the fuck out of me for literally months.

Describing her Korean date thus....

The guy was not run-of-the-mill by anyone's standards. But he was, physically, absolutely stunning by my own. About six feet tall, with a thin build -- covered in tattoos and sporting a bit of facial hair. Dressed in all black with worn jeans and a leather jacket. Big black combat boots. Sharp eyes.....He was a tough looking guy, by anyone's standards, including a Westerner's.

The reaction of the western men in the bar is swift and bitchy......

We had been there for about fifteen minutes when, suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, some Western man I had never even seen before came reeling in my direction. He literally wedged himself directly between me and my date, with his back to my date........"Oh look at this.... like.... cool rocker chick. Sitting back here alone and sipping on a beer and being cool and shit!".......This continued all. night. long. One after another of the foreign men who had never bothered to even look me in the eye before that night suddenly felt the need to make their way over and say something fucking asinine while completely ignoring the fact that there was another human being sitting next to me, with whom I was trying to have a conversation.

The harassment continued.....

A date would go to the bathroom, and a Western man I was completely unacquainted with would sidle over from the other side of the room and inform me that my date's outfit was "gay" (t shirt and jeans?), his hair was "stupid" (combed and washed?), and that I would obviously have a better time that night if I were to go home with him instead....Was it ALL of this EVERY time I was out with a Korean guy? No....Was it at least some of this most of the times I was out with a Korean guy? Yes. Making it home for the evening without encountering at least one patronizing comment was the rare exception.

And here is where it gets even more interesting.....

I realized what was behind it. A community of men who had previously viewed me as a kind of annoying buzzing sound in the room....were now striding up to me in bars to offer me a 'chance' to be with them. Or were finding smaller, more cowardly ways to make passive aggressive comments and generally interrupt my business, which they had previously had literally no interest in whatsoever.....And it wasn't just about me being with a guy....It was that I was with a Korean guy. ......I had had enough of watching women joke and laugh and jeer right along their Western male counterparts, condemning themselves to a 'miserable' experience, all to be sure they weren't outcast from what little community they had.....I had had enough of listening to men tell me what my experience in Korea was and would be, and why. And then, when I turned around and proved them wrong -- not even for the sake of proving them wrong, but just as incidence in the conducting of my own personal pursuit of happiness -- having them jump all over that shit as well. Even the nice guys I knew from around would occasionally manage to be patronizing, with comments like, "Good for you!" and, "Oh, really? You like Korean guys? Well... that's cool." As though them sitting around and endlessly discussing how much they wanted to date Korean girls happened on a completely different planet from me dating Korean guys.

Then INP notices the dramatic goal-post shift.........

Popular opinion among this pack of scumbags, in the face of direct contradiction, had suddenly shifted from "Western women have to be celibate in Korea because no one will touch them har har!" to "Oh, that? Over there? Yeah. Korean men just like to use Western women for sex." Funny, that. I had gone from being completely un-sexable to only useful for my sexuality.

But her refusal to be bullied out of her own autonomy leads to her being labelled.....

 Their attempts to badger me into backing down and being ashamed of myself weren't working -- in fact, they were backfiring.......I just wasn't going to cooperate, the way other women had been, by assuming a martyred role and going along with their myth. And so I started to get a bit of a reputation.....So suddenly, I had become That Girl Who Dates Korean Guys.......It wasn't what I set out to be. I never put a cap on my interest in Western men. I never had "yellow fever". But it couldn't just be what it was, which was that I was dating men who happened to be Korean. It had to be categorizedNo, no -- Western women still don't like Korean men, and Korean men still don't like Western women. INP is just into them, and they're just into her.

By part four of the series INP begins to notice other women like her were beginning to come to Korea who weren't so easily bullied into accepting the "rules" of acceptance into their own communities which required that they adopt these racist stereotypes about Asian men that led to their own personal unhappiness and loneliness. 

Even stranger, I had begun to have very different first encounters with Western women. Standing outside a local university one day, smoking a cigarette, one made her way toward me. After a few minutes discussing all the usual details, she looked up at me out of the corner of her eyes, squinted and said, "So, have you got it?", "Got what?""The fever.""The I'm sorry?"

 LOL! Nice!

These were small, but noticeable changes......That would mean we didn't have to deal with all kinds of side-eye and rude, childish, unacceptable behavior when we were seen out with Korean men.....Women were blogging in Korea. Women were blogging in Korea about dating. Women were blogging in Korea about dating Korean men. And other women around the world were eating it up.......These women weren't sad and lonely. They most certainly were not sexless. And, most importantly, anonymity for the sake of sexual content aside, they were not embarrassed. They had no reason to be. And the men they were with were attractive to them, and the men they were with were not sexually impotent.

And there you have it. A thoroughly enjoyable read, and I advise readers to read all four posts all the way through, it is a very insightful series and talks about attitudes towards Asian men that few - even in the Asian community - are willing to acknowledge. 

Commentary.

It is nice to see that someone other than an Asian man has noticed, and is writing about, our experiences - Asian men who write about this are labelled "angry Asian losers" and are dismissed (often by their own community). Although INP suggests that the prejudices that she describes were limited to a few loser individuals and that her story should not be used to taint the reputations of the majority of "good" ex-pats in Korea, the experience of INP is a microcosm of the type of attitudes that America purveys about Asian men on a culture wide level. The difference for her, perhaps, is that in the US she may not encounter this type of prejudice very often because the question of dating Asian guys is less likely to come up as frequently (if at all). For Asian men, these demeaning attitudes are a common aspect of our experience and are routinely expressed through America's cultural endeavours. So even though INP may be correct that it was a minority pedaling these ideas, the fact remains that this denigration of Asian men is an established and pervasive practice of American culture which was simply reflected in the microcosm of her Korean ex-pat community.

It should also be said that this idea of a few "bad apples" bullying and cajoling the rest of the group into adopting these attitudes and behaviours mirrors the character of America's general, at best, dismissive attitude towards Asian men. Because America's culture has made it normal to only think negative and dehumanizing  ideas about Asian men - that few are willing or able to challenge - it is possible for a small group of assholes to be empowered to be openly and casually racist without social censure. Whereas, for other minority groups the most fervent racists are on the margins, for Asian men, the most fervent racists are the ones directing social attitudes and behaviours first through stereotyping and misinformation, and when that doesn't work, through scorn, peer pressure, or even ostracism.

The most recent example of this is, of course, the racialized and often outright racist commentaries on Jeremy Lin's time with the Knicks. At first, the coverage of Lin tended to focus on his skills which (just like the perceptual blindness of female ex-pats in Korea) no-one seemed to notice before. After a couple of days the racialization began. I remember watching a couple of games in which the commentators were (for no good reason and contrary to what was actually happening on the court) somehow noticing that Lin seemed "tired" or lacking in stamina - as you would expect (of course!) of an Asian man. Then came the "chink in the armour" commentaries, the "Lin has a small dick" twitters, and the various ways in which Lin's success was sullied by racial insensitivity and outright spite.

What was actually happening was that the goalposts were being moved - when Lin proved that the certainty of Asian athletic inferiority to be premature, the goalposts were realigned so that it didn't matter that the stereotypes were wrong because let's remember that Lin is still merely a chink with a small dick. Thus, society's assumptions can remain in place, and America could feel safe in the certainty of its superiority. This is what INP relates in her third post when she talks about the goalpost shift that allowed the prejudice to remain but be expressed through a reversal of stereotype - instead of Korean men being sexless and impotent, the warning now became that Korean men were only interested in western women for the sex.

The phenomenon of the high Asian representation in America's universities offers us another example of this continual shifting of goalposts. When the first Asian migrants came to America, they were considered intellectually inferior. Subsequent events have made a mockery of this belief, and as Asians have come to increase their presence in education, the criticism has shifted and has now become "yes, they are intelligent but they are not creative". Or, Asians are intelligent but they are merely good test-takers who fail in the real world. Or, Asians are intelligent but are poor leaders. Or, Asians are smart but are not independent thinkers. American culture is so conditioned to conceive of Asians in negative ways that "it just doesn't feel right" to not include negative caveats about Asians. Thus, it goes unnoticed when the prevailing racism contradicts previous assumptions and shows it to be irrational. This why it is possible for America's attitudes towards Asians to be directed by so few and accepted by so many.

INP's description of the western men in her ex-pat group reinforced my sense that much of the prejudice directed at Asian men is fear-based. There is an air of tragedy in this idea of western men (most of whom I would presume are white) who have the opportunity to experience a foreign culture and somewhat escape the conditioning of their own society, but who instead huddle together for safety in their group - fearing to venture out to glimpse the world from a different perspective. What a waste. Even worse is the pathos of this gaggle of western guys, maintaining the illusion of their own primacy, whilst simultaneously hiding their timidity, through gossip, manipulation, and by controlling women with scary stories. And when that doesn't work, sullying the reputations of those who refuse to be manipulated by gossiping about them like hags. So much for this non-conformist "rugged individualism" we hear so much about.

It has to be noted that these timid ex-pats are gender specific about their prejudices - as INP noted, these men would spread racist gossip about Korean men, but in the same breath speak about how they only date Korean women. What for many might seem like a paradox is actually a common notion in the Asian-American dialogue which, unfortunately, Asians themselves generally refuse to acknowledge. Gender specific racism is what has defined the Asian-American experience. Although racism is experienced by both Asian men and women, racism against Asian men is exclusionary, whereas for Asian women the racism is implicitly inclusive - which may be why some Asian women appear confused about it. And that is why some white dudes who express racist attitudes about Asians are married to Asian women. This is a point that needs to be emphasized in any discussion on the Asian-American experience of racism; the anti-Asian racism that persists in America is built on a foundation of dehumanization of Asian men. This is why it may be the out-marriage rates of Asian-American men, the degree of their visibility in popular culture, and their prominence in leadership roles, that serves as the gauge of improved attitudes towards Asians.

The implications of this are disturbing to say the least. As INP noted, her initial unbiased impression of Korean men was that they were not all wimpy girly-boys, but included amongst them were guys whom she found to be extremely attractive. Yet, the social control of gossipy ex-pat men had so clouded the perceptions of ex-pat women that they weren't able to see beyond what their conditioning dictated they should see. A combination of persistent manipulative racist gossip, the threat of being kicked out of the group and theirself becoming the target of gossip, culturally conditioned assumptions about Asian men, as well as an inability to notice the sexism implicit in these ex-pat men's efforts to control them, all contributed to this phenomenon of not being able to make an autonomous decision based on the evidence of their own eyes.

Some Asian men might read this and despair, but that would be silly. What INP's posts (which reinforced my own dating experiences) show is that the type of woman that chooses to partner an Asian man in the west, has to be independent, an autonomous thinker, not afraid to swim against the current of social fads, be willing to question racist assumptions, and not be swayed by gossip or social and peer pressure. This I think is a positive thing because there are plenty of women like this in America. Asian dudes just need to do more to notice them instead of seeing just the automatons who follow the attitudes of the herd.

In summary, the events and experiences that INP describes, although in the context of a small ex-pat community do, in fact, reflect and mirror the culture-wide nature of America's negative attitudes towards Asian men. INP describes the way that attitudes and behaviours of her ex-pat colleagues were directed and controlled by timid and frightened white men, whose racism was propagated through vicious gossip, social pressure, name-calling, racial stereotyping, and the exploitation of people's fears and ignorance. Yet, this is precisely the way that American culture propagates anti-Asian racism through the media. Gossip, innuendo, regurgitation of stereotypes, name-calling, and xenophobia, are all ways that American culture engages society, and defines the dialogue on Asians.

Here are the links again....

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4